It’s time to play...
In the movie Castaway, if Tom Hanks unearthed a copy of Hair of the Corn Dog, how would that help Tom find a way off the island?
He’d read the chapter on what a wimp I am when floating a measly little river while safely tucked into an inflatable raft and harnessed in a life jacket. He’d be so disgusted with me that his motivation to find me and slap me for being such a coward would propel him from the island.
Everyone knows Miley Cyrus is now the wild child in the music business. But she read your book and wants to let you know that it changed her life for the better. Why did your book give Miley a new lease on life?
Because it taught her that she’s not alone in suffering from uncontrollable nighttime flatulence, the shame of which has been the root of all her bad behavior.
Superman has decided to pull out one of your characters to be his sidekick. Who is it and why?
It’s my brother-in-law Virgil, who has long been one of the heroes of my work. Everything that Virgil does and says is ridiculous, which could be used to distract the villain while Superman saves the day.
You are being pulled over for speeding. When the officer asks you for your license and you discover you left it at home, you decide to pull out your book instead. What do you tell the officer?
That while every single book I’ve written may have alcohol featured both on the cover and in the title, I never drink and drive and would be happy to take the field sobriety test.
A homeless man was caught stealing your book out of a bookstore. When asked why he did it, he opened the book and pointed a passage out. What was that passage?
He’d point to this passage because he wanted to learn about his body’s storage capabilities:
I asked the audience if anyone knew what a prison wallet was, and they said no, so I tried to give them a few hints. “If you are in prison, and you don’t have any pockets, and you don’t have a wallet, but you want to keep something safe somewhere, what are you going to use?” The crowd met me with nothing but silence and unamused, blank faces. “Okay,” I said, “I’ll just tell you. It’s your rectum.” Perhaps my folly was in saying your rectum. Maybe they would have found it just as fascinating as I did if I had said the rectum or the prisoner’s rectum. More than a few butts shifted on their chairs. I think they just didn’t want to imagine the contents of their respective wallets and purses inside their own rectums.
If you think about putting the contents of your wallet or purse inside your body, as surely this is something you want to consider, at first it seems like the women are screwed, because we lug around so much more in our purses than men do in their wallets. But on the other hand, women have a lot more interior storage space available to us. Having a vagina in addition to a rectum is like having a whole extra shopping cart. I wonder if male inmates experience vagina envy, because just think of the expanded smuggling capabilities that a vagina affords us. Then I thought about how some women keep small dogs in their purses. And that made me not want to think about the internal storage capabilities of the human body anymore.
Not New Jersey, because they might resent the Jersey Shore chapters. Maybe Alaska, because the book has an Alaska connection, Alaskans like to drink, and one can only ice fish for so long before needing to retreat inside to warmth and a book.
Finally, you just got word that your book has received the 2013 NY Times Bestselling Book Award and you have to attend the ceremony at the Four Seasons Hotel in Manhattan. Anyone who's anyone will be there and it's your shot for stardom. On stage, you must give an acceptance speech. What would you say and who would you thank?
I would have to thank my family, for both their tolerance of me and the fact that I continually make fun of them. Especially my in-laws. And I’d have to thank my children in advance for not hating me when they one day read all of the very personal things I’ve written about them. But they will probably still hate me.
In the latest laugh-out-loud confessional from A.K. Turner's "Tales of Imperfection" series, the author of This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store and Mommy Had a Little Flask relates her adventures on the Jersey Shore, at an Idaho drag show with her in-laws, and surviving the perils of an elementary school ice-cream social with equal parts wit and heart. The laughter pairs well with two parts cocktail.
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